Transforming grief

I have not been good dealing with grief - I always tried to lock it away instead of feeling it. It was just too hurtful. I would lay in bed, rolled in a ball, and fall asleep, or watch TV until my brain would shut completely down. What followed was my body painfully letting me know wherever it tensed - in my shoulders, twisting my stomach...

It took me years to stop blaming myself for what happened to others...

And I finally learnt to live in the moment, because once it's gone, it's in the past. There is no turning back. And what's in the future is unknown.

I am so happy to compose music, as music, playing piano, singing with my father on our walks were always my favorite. If I did not hurt my arms, I would dedicate my life to playing piano.

Here is a deep transformation of someone else who lost his son a year ago. I copied his post in its entirety below.

I also created a short video of my thoughts.

"Randall Paul Michael Gnewuch

11.28.2020 - 7.30.22

I was just asked by a dear friend, if I would share this journal writing with you all, promising it may help one in need. And so I share that hope...

It’s been six months(two years, two months and two days) today JT since you had passed over and there hasn’t been a moment in all that time, I hadn’t wished, I could’ve been there to save you.

And shortly after, whenever I envision you Justin, you appeared as my beautiful little boy, carrying with you all the hopes/dreams and days I had wanted to share with you.

My greatest fear would be to drown in my sorrow and become a victim of anger, grief and worse of all, self pity.

I had planned to end it all before falling into that sordid abyss, lying to myself that my own suffering would end while denying the truth of the suffering that would begin for all those that I love but my internal grief and strife was so intense and the desire to join you and the others was so strong. I raced to the edge of the bluff, hoping to fly into the heart of the Sunrise and eternity’s gates.

Suddenly I heard a thunderous scream “ Stop!” and I fell to my knees. Was that you?!

Instantly the noise in my head, the pain in my heart and the emptiness in my soul, subsided.

A divine moment of clarity, reconciliation, understanding began to flow through my broken being, a Divine Grace. I felt whole again and was at peace, brimming with hope!

I whispered to you. This is not how my story ends! I will see you again my son but not this way...

I now envision you as a young handsome man and my heart overflows with love. I am so proud to be your earthly dad!

I had experienced a miracle on that bluff in Montauk that morning and many mornings after. I have learned, a miracle is but a shift in perception.

I have come to understand and accept, that I will always miss you and my heart will forever remain broken and although severely damaged, it still beats, still yearns to live and to love, it can still feel joy, excitement and sorrow, all at the same time.

I am dedicating my every breath in keeping you alive in your daughter’s heart, in my own and in the hearts of others.

Godspeed my eternal love, Son ~ Dad"